Truth is, I don't even know where to start.
My mind is a whirlwind of emotions and complicated thoughts so messy I have no idea how to sort them out. I probably need help, but I don't. Aren't these all normal issues that every teenager faces? I'm no exception.. Then again, I'm probably wrong...
I'm really hoping these feelings don't come with age..How big a difference is 18 and 19? Nothing much, just 12 months. But then again, 12 months..many things can happen. People die and people are born; people get promoted and people get fired; people graduate and people like me...still stuck.
I know this label will follow forever. It'll forever be a part of who I am, it'll forever be in my name. Yes, the girl who stayed back a year in school.
Nothing to be shameless of, I'd say. But what did I stay back for, to watch myself crumble into pieces doing things I absolutely hate?
Why should I be studying? For a better future.. AS WHAT? A doctor? A lawyer? And SO WHAT if I become any of them? How does it prove my success in life in any way? What does getting all As on your stupid cert says?
Does it say you're smart?
You're hardworking?
You're disciplined?
.........BULLSHIT...
A person is SMART, when he knows how to use his brains to get himself out of sticky ugly life situations. Not when he sits at a desk memorising notes just for exams.
A person is HARDWORKING, when he shows that he is putting in the effort in doing and achieving what he really wants. Not when he's facing seas of words in every set of lecture notes for hours and hours on.
A person is DISCIPLINED, when he knows what he really wants to do in life. Not when he succumbs to the system of conformation, because that is plain weak.
As much as I hate it, I have to admit that life is stupid that way. Universities are soulless heartless cold-blooded institutes which calculate everything by credit/merit. It is really cool that our universities are one of the good ones worldwide, but what does it say about us? Does it say that we are real compassionate humans who strive for what we want? No.
Everybody wants to go to med school. Everybody wants to be a lawyer. Everybody wants to be a dentist. Why. Because it's prestigious.
If you get it, you're the best.
BUT THIS IS A JOKE.
How are they the best. They give you medicine when you're ill? They help you with divorcing your spouse? Or..cus they fix your teeth?
They only got there because they conformed. Have they ever asked themselves if that is what they REALLY want?
Some might, some might not. Some might REALLY want that, some...sadly just want to be labelled the best.
I really pity the latter.
So what really am I doing.
I don't want all these. I don't want this life. This isn't me.
Days ago I was just thinking about the best friends I had in secondary school. We were young. We were, stupid. And as we grew older I just, split. Because we had different ideals.
I realise how stupid it was for us to have fought. How stupid I was.
I lost 2 great friends because I couldn't give in.
I had my own set of thinking, my own ideals, and still do. But that doesn't mean I am not sorry about letting them walk out of my life completely, and vice versa.
And now, I have to face another set of friendship woes a hundred times worse than it was before.
Then I realise, this is life.
You're just slapped with ordeals after ordeals that you have to swallow. At the end of the day, they'll all leave you and never ever bother you again in life. Face it, you'll face severe diarrhea that'll give you lots and lots of pain but when all that is gone, you wouldn't squirm in pain so much anymore.
I so badly want to tell myself to let this all pass. But this isn't me. Me last time was friendly, enthusiastic, optimistic. Why did I let myself get ruined.
I've grown with age, and coming together with that is a baggage of past incidences, memories, people you cannot forget. You can try to pretend they aren't there. But they are. It's like your shadow that follows you wherever. They may not show up in your darkest moments, but when it's your time to shine, when that spotlight's on you, they come back to you as your shadow and haunt you, with you wherever the light is.
Time will ease all pain, and make feelings go away. But they're not gone, they're just buried deep down within you.
Don't tell me I haven't seen the world yet because I'm young. I may be 19, but that's not young. I've seen my parents split, learnt even your own family is not one to be trusted, seen girls my age getting pregnant, seen teens my age with tattoos, seen ppl trying to jump out their windows and take their lives, seen far too many funerals to learn that life is short.
I may die tomorrow, and today may be my last. Don't assume I won't because I'm 19. So what if I'm only 19. I'm not too young for anything, definitely not too young to be my turn to die.
I just want to live each day as if it's my last. If a 19 year old like me can understand something like this, why can't the adults do the same? Why can't teachers do the same?
Failing exams doesn't make me a bad person. I just want to do the things I want to before I die, maybe tomorrow.
Being late for school doesn't make me a bad person, I just wanted to enjoy the beauty of life instead of rushing to conformity before I die, maybe tomorrow.
I don't want to be considered the best, I just want to be me. Do what I want to. Go through life's challenges that doesn't mean studying.
If you really want me to say it..
I have wasted 19 years of my life doing things people expect me to do.
And that is going to end, now.
